my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
