she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
