so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
