i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
barbara walters just said penis...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
