Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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