The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
