Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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