i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
