and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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