between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
