I think my fart just growled at me.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
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she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
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Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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