How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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