I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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