I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
