getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
