girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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