you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
