She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
