She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
