I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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