I wish I could punch you in the face.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you had me at cake vodka
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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