dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
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You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
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All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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