do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
