nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
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The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
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I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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