We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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