So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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