I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My liver just had a heart attack.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.