the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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