As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
