Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
