i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
