my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
