Don't make out with my wife yet
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
