my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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