You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
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I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
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I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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