btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
