I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
