i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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