Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
