so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
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Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
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well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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