I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
