I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
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There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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