what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
