I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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