Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
