u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
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did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
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Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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