he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
