Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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