I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
