Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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