This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
