I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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