More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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