Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
