I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm