when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket