I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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